May 15th, 2020
Do you have a calm inner conviction about who you are and your ability to get what you want and need in life or do you tend to live in a world of self-doubt?
Hi, this is Grant Herbert, International Influencer and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today, I want to continue our conversation around Emotional Intelligence beyond COVID-19 by talking to you and starting a conversation that we will have over the next few weeks about what I believe the number one critical competency and that is Personal Power.
Many people are addicted to approval. They care way too much about what other people think about them and what they're saying about them. I know in my own life, for many, many years, this is what was holding me back. Everything that I did, everything that I performed, I was doing it with a motive to get you to like me, to get people to accept me.
You see, we all operate with three universal fears in mind. The first one is the fear of not being enough. That means I'm not good enough. I've got to prove myself to you. The second one is the fear of not belonging. And the third one is the fear of not being loved. And whenever those fears are evident whether or not they're imagined or real, a lot of times we will go into what I call the Performance Trap, where we will do everything possible to get people to think that we're good enough to accept us and make us feel like we belong and to like us and love us. And this is a major problem that erodes our Personal Power.
I also see people with a very low self-confidence, but they look in the mirror and they're not happy with what they see. And I don't just mean physically, their frame of reference from their past and from what's been said to them has eroded away that self-confidence, slowly chipping away at their authentic self, who they really are. And because of this, we become in a position where we're unable to set healthy boundaries, where we let people walk all over us, where we say 'yes' way too easily. And all this angst going on, all this emotional disruption going on in our emotional brain tends to make us feel powerless and overwhelmed.
Then right here, right now in this time of COVID-19, there are many things that I've seen, people making decisions around based on these things. It's like I see people in business going, "Oh, should I be selling things right now?" People are doing it tough right now. They're not getting their income that they were getting. And there's people getting sick and there's people passing away and they're making decisions in that emotion because they care that if I sell something, then people might think this about me.
So it goes away from the logic that if I sell something, I might be able to help the economy and I might be able to help people to develop and grow and navigate this pandemic in a much more comfortable way. I know for myself putting together this self-paced online course, which I'm doing and have done for this time of COVID-19, I had those thoughts and I very quickly said, "You know what? No, you're a leader in this field and you have a resource that's going to help people and you need to keep feeding your children." It's funny that kids, they want to eat every day. So for me, I could make a logical decision because I was making a decision based on how I could serve rather than what people would think.
Personal Power gives you the ability to feel self-approved where it starts with self-love, where you look after yourself or you exercise self-care, where you're confident in your own ability and where you are calm and in control. And when you're calm and in control, you can make decisions that are logical and are strategic and will actually solve the challenges that you are in. And all these things come from developing our Personal Power.
So, what is Personal Power? Personal Power is having a sense of your self-worth and your capabilities. It's about having self-confidence, knowing that you have everything within you and around you to be, do and have whatever it is that you want in life. So, what I want to start this week in doing is laying some principles around Personal Power, and we'll unpack these over the weeks to come because this, as I said, is the area that I feel when we get on top of this, it has an effect on all the other competencies of Emotional Intelligence.
The first is that we need to be authentic. You need to be the real deal, who you were created to be. There's only one you, and we need that so that the world can collectively be the world that it needs to be. For many years, I wore a mask where I pretended that I was this because I was feeding those fears and I cared what people thought. Now, by the way, when I say I don't care what people think anymore, I don't mean in an arrogant way where I don't care what you think. I'll be whatever I want. I'll do whatever I want. No, still remaining humble and teachable, but not doing what I do with the motive of getting you to like me.
To do this, we need to retrain our mini-me. We need to retrain that inner voice, that small, not so quiet, sometimes voice of doubt. That inner dialogue that says, "Well, hang on a minute, Grant. Why would you be able to help people all around the world to develop their Emotional Intelligence and reduce their stress and conflict and be happier in their life and…” No, no, no. Retrain that dialogue to go, “You know what? This is what you do. This is the evidence that you've been doing it and this is what I'm going to use as my frame of reference, not what others have said or what they might say or what I've believed in in the past.
Retraining that voice to be a voice that lifts you up so that when you are having those bad days, which they're okay to have by the way, because we are human, we're not robots. That small voice lifts us up and says, “Hey, come on.” Whispers in your ear and says, “Remember that time you…Remember those people that you helped there? Remember what your kids said about you?” Whatever it is. So, it gives you a different dialogue to build you up.
The third thing to develop your Personal Power is that we need to be able to set and then keep boundaries. Boundaries around our priorities, boundaries around what we believe is most important to us. Boundaries around our self-care. By the way, self-care is not selfish. Self-care says, “I've got a balance of looking after myself so that I can take care of others.” Being able to set boundaries around how we'll let people speak to us, how we'll let people behave around us, and then to be very particular and keeping those boundaries. Learning to say yes to our priorities and no to things that go outside our values because we're not concerned about what people think. We're concerned about who we're supposed to be and what it is that we've been put on the earth to achieve.
The next one is we need to move on quickly from things. I want you to imagine you're in a car right now and you're looking at a big piece of glass in the front of your car. It's called your wind screen. And then in the center of that screen, there is a little mirror, a smaller piece of glass, and that's your rear view mirror. What I want you to do is think about your journey, your life with that in mind. So, the rear vision mirror is just there to have a quick look every now and then to see what's behind. But the main focus is on the larger piece of glass, which is where we're going.
Things happen in life. Situations come every single day in my life, just as they do in yours. People say things. This morning, I had someone on a webinar that I was on who attacked me and it was crazy, but I moved on quickly from it because in the scheme of things, listening to that was going to stop me from doing what I need to do for you right now. So, being more focused on where we're going rather than where we've been and going back to where we've been for two reasons. One, to look at the things that we've done in our life that can give us evidence that we are able to do things and two, be able to look at things that we didn't quite get right, so that tells us what to do differently moving forward.
Then number five, to be able to have a high level of Personal Power, we need to learn to speak your truth assertively. Not aggressively, assertively. When we know our priorities, when we know what's important to us, when we set boundaries around those things, we're able to then speak that to others with conviction. And if they ask us to do something that's outside that we can go, “You know what? No.” Or we can say, "Hey, I'd love to do that. I just need to get some more information first before I make a decision.”
Or if somebody is treating us in a way that's not within our priorities and our boundaries to be able to go, "Hey, when you do that, it makes me feel this way and if you continue to do that, I'm going to do this." So, speaking your truth assertively is going to allow you to navigate your life with a lot more happiness and fun and you're going to be able to overcome roadblocks and continue to build up your identity and your Personal Power.
So Personal Power, and you can probably tell by how excited I am going through this this week, is the number one competency of Emotional Intelligence that it underpins all the other 25 that I work with when I'm working with people. And it's a part of the Self-Awareness quadrant where we've got Emotional Self-Awareness, Accurate Self-Assessment and Personal Power. If you're interested in developing your Personal Power, the online course that I've just put together takes you through exercises to do all those five things that we just talked about and gives you support and coaching so that you can get there.
So, that's it from me this week. What I'm going to do next week and beyond is I'm going to pull out elements of that overview that I just gave you and we'll go deeper on some of those things so that you can develop a strong sense of self-worth, that you can feel good about yourself. Be confident in your ability and navigate through this pandemic and beyond with a high sense of Personal Power. I'll see you next week.